Saturday, July 26, 2003

Newsflash:  WMDs Found in Iraq?

On the scene reporter Jonathan Swift (reporting for Kalroy Network News) embedded with the American WMD detection unit reports that US forces have found a stockpile chlorine. 250 million gallons was found buried beneath the famous Iraqi theme park, Saddamland, along with equipment for gasifying the chlorine. Captain Jonas Grumby states, “This much chlorine in gaseous form is similar to that used by the Germans during World War One or for making satellite dishes out of coconuts and sea-shells.”

Update: BBC reports: Americans claim to have ‘found’ a site at which ‘WMDs’ have been located, but no other sources have been able to substantiate this ‘claim’ since it was made almost twenty minutes ago. “There is no excuse for the US not verifying their ‘claim’ in front of an international investigative team,” BBC correspondent Andrew Gilligan said.

Update: Former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, now working for a well known Arab news agency, responds that the chlorine was used exclusively for chlorinating the swimming pools of Saddam Hussein’s presidential palaces.

Update: CAIR spokesman, Ibrahim Hooper, comments on the gas generation system “This is a typical distortion of the Zionist controlled American media. It is tradition in Arab culture to chlorinate our swimming pools by bubbling chlorine gas through the water. If Americans understood our culture better they would realize that.” When asked how Americans could understand Arab and Muslim culture better Mr.Hooper stated, “We at CAIR are more than willing to spoon-feed, er, educate, I mean, Americans in Arab propa… I mean culture.

Update: A recent poll conducted in Germany shows that over one third of young Germans believe that the “chlorine” found was used for swimming pools, or that it was planted by the United States to further their imperial desires.

Update: According to Prince Bandar ibn Sultan, the Saudi ambassador to the United States, “These are not ‘weapons’ of ‘mass’ ‘destruction’, rather what is being seen is Uday’s professionalism in providing clean water for the members of Iraq’s Olympic swim team. We Arabs understand how important a swim team is to our culture and our religion, and know that even a bad person can care about their country’s Olympic athletes.

Update: Reuters correspondent, Deanna Wrenn, reports that she was allowed to view the so-called ‘weapons’ ‘of’ ‘mass’ ‘destruction’ and says that not a single one was labeled as such. “I couldn’t even find the letters ‘WMD’ stenciled on any of the ovoid and finned storage containers.

Update: Transcript of a Fox News interview with Deanna Wrenn.
Fox News: How were you chosen, among all the journalists in the area to report on the chlorine find at Saddamland?

Wrenn: What? What are you talking about? I’ve been reporting on surf conditions at Hawai’i’s North Shore.

Fox News: Are you saying you didn’t write a report for Reuters…

Wrenn: What? Those sons of [censored]

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